Violence and the Lovelorn Teen
by Sandi Palmer - YSB Prevention Specialist
Classmates of the teenager charged in the shooting of six Conyers, Georgia high school students, say his behavior may have stemmed from a breakup with his girlfriend. Thus, if a broken heart turns out to be the reason for the violence, then another question naturally arises: Why is it that some adolescents can shrug off broken romances while others see them as the end of the world?
Breaking up can be incredibly intense, and the first breakup is particularly painful. The way a teen is likely to react to a romantic setback is based on a number of variables, including the all-powerful peer pressure. The teenage environment often equates one's worth to having a "steady." When you have all of your friends looking at you, the peer pressure to be part of a couple is going to be devastating.
J. Michael Faragher, chairman at the human services department at the Metropolitan State College of Denver and co-director of the school's Center for Addictions, says three main influences determine how well a teenager bounces back from a romantic rebuff.
- Circumstances in the teen's environment are a major influence. For instance dealing with divorce, relocation or death in the family can amplify a teen's misery over a relationship breakup.
- A teenager's mindset also can predict his behavior. If a teenager believes she/he will never have a relationship as good as the lost one, the teen may act out in some fashion.
- The sense of attachment and security that develops in infancy is the third factor that will influence a teen's reaction to a breakup.
A child born into a loving environment where his needs are met in a consistent and predictable manner will develop a sense of contentment and trust. A child whose needs are ignored or neglected develops feelings of fear,panic, distrust and anxiety, and these emotions color the way the teenager sees the world. Teens may resort to violence when they experience the above factors along with a sense of isolation and a critical lack of problem-solving skills. When you have teens who describe their feelings as "helplessness," that is not so problematic because there are many resources available for teens who feel that way. It is when a teen feels " hopeless," that you see homicide and suicide.
What can a concerned parent do when their teenager is "dumped" by their boyfriend or girlfriend?
- Parents can best help their teen by being there for them emotionally and listening to their problems. Being able to talk about their emotions will help your teen grow and mature.
- Offer generous amounts of compassion, kindness, and understanding.
- Realize that this is a really difficult time for them and remind your teen that they have the strength and ability to recover and eventually move on to another relationship.
- Lastly, acknowledge that teenage love is real and that their feelings are very real. It also helps to remember what it was like when you were a teen, how you felt, and how you were able to cope.
YSB offers groups for teaching teenagers about protective behaviors. Parent and teacher education is also available
