Taming the Tantrum
by Janice Connelly, YSB Director of Prevention
“Throwing a fit”, “falling out”, losing it”, “having a hissy”, we are all familiar with the crying and possibly kicking and screaming that children sometimes use to express frustration and anger. This is one behavior that influences many to refer to the ages from eighteen months to about age three as the “terrible twos”. It is normal for children to have temper tantrums as they begin to assert their independence and try to “make things go their way”. However, how we as parents react to these tantrums and how we structure the environment of the child can help to reduce the number and intensity of temper tantrums.
Here are some tips for helping your child to calm down during a tantrum.
1. Remain calm. While your child is throwing a tantrum, it is important to remain calm. Becoming upset, yelling or even hitting can cause the tantrum to increase or may even reinforce the tantrum behavior. If it helps you to calm down, practice deep breathing or counting.
2. Be a detective. Look around to see what might be causing the behavior. Is your child hurt, hungry or tired? Soothing the source of discomfort can often help shorten the tantrum. Of course, if your child is angry because he isn’t getting his way, you don’t want to give in just to stop the tantrum.
3. Make sure your child is safe. If your child is in an unsafe place, like at the top of a slide, move him to a safer location. Getting hurt during a tantrum will only make the situation worse and will not stop him from throwing a tantrum in the future.
4. Stand your ground. Don’t give in to the tantrum. Even though you might have to suffer through a longer tantrum this time, not giving in will teach your child that throwing a tantrum DOES NOT WORK.
5. Don’t be embarrassed. All children throw tantrums at one time or another. If another adult gives you a dirty look or makes a mean comment, ignore them.
6. Don’t hit or spank. This will only teach your child that it is ok to hurt someone if they are doing something you don’t like. Spanking will not help in the long run, it may even make your child’s behavior more violent.
Prevention of tantrums is as important as how a parent reacts to the tantrum as it is happening. Here are some long-term strategies that can help you prevent tantrums.
Children need a consistent routine for eating and sleeping. Everyone, including children, handles disappointment and frustration better when they are not hungry and have had enough sleep. Your child will eat and sleep better if you have a set time for meals, snacks, bedtime and nap every day. If your child eats and sleeps better, he will be better equipped to deal with little frustrations throughout the day. Parents who keep track will notice that their children have more tantrums when they are hungry or tired.
Real life strategies:
- Plan activities in advance so that they don’t interfere with meals or bedtime.
- Take snacks along on outings so that you don’t miss snack time (healthy snacks are important because children tend to eat small amounts at a sitting and need to eat more often than three times a day).
- Plan meals ahead to save preparation time and reduce the chance of a last minute trip to the grocery store.
- Allow your child to “help” you in the kitchen when you are preparing meals. Provide some fruit or cheese to snack on while you work.
- Keep a nighttime (and naptime) routine to help your child transition from awake time to sleeping time.
- Don’t be afraid to put your child to bed a little earlier than usual after a busy day, especially if he is getting grumpy.
Children need to know that no means no. Children are quick learners. If you tell your child no and then change you mind to a yes or maybe when they fuss or cry, they will learn that they can get what they want by fussing or crying. If, on the other hand, you are willing to listen to some fussing and whining and keep your no as a no, they will learn that it doesn’t do any good to fuss or whine.
Real life strategies:
- Take a few minutes to think before saying yes or no so that you are able to give your child the “true” answer the first time.
- The first few days of tantrums are usually the worst – if you can ride these out and don’t give in to crying, things will get better.
- Plan ways that will help you keep your own frustration level lower. If hearing your child cry is very upsetting to you, it is better to put him in a safe place for the duration of the tantrum than for you to give in or “lose it” also.
Children need an interesting and stimulating environment. Children are bundles of energy and curiosity. They NEED to use their bodies and their minds every day! If this energy and curiosity is not let out in a constructive way, it will come out in other ways. If your child has a variety of appropriate toys and activities, he is less likely to enter into conflicts about those things that are not appropriate for him.
Real life strategies
- Plan activities into your routine that allow children to use up some of that energy, like going to the park or for a walk.
- Put up half your child’s toys (let them keep special toys all the time), then switch toys each week so that they remain interesting and “new”.
- Find time to read to your child every day and allow your child to have books on hand to look at when you cannot read to him.
- Play with your child throughout the day.
- Provide a space in your home that is safe for active play.
Children need LOTS of attention. Children need lots of adult attention and they will find ways to get it. If a child does not get enough attention during the course of the day, he may throw tantrums to get attention.
Real life strategies
- Plan time to play with your child.
- Respond as quickly as you can when your child needs something.
- Include your child in routine activities like cleaning and shopping. Even an eighteen-month old can pretend to dust or push a broom around while you do the actual cleaning.
- Include quiet time with your child like reading or cuddling during daily routines.
Children need their adults to know what they can and can’t do. Sometimes a child will throw a tantrum when asked to do something that he is not yet able to do. Knowing about your child’s development can help you to avoid putting him in that situation.
Real life strategies
- Learn about typical child development.
- Watch your child and observe what he can do, what he is learning to do, and what he is not yet able to do.
- Help your child when you ask him to do something that you have never seen him do before. Next time, maybe, he can do it by himself.
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